For the last couple of days i have been feeling this emptiness inside of me. I really can’t grasp what this strange feeling might be, all I know is that I’m not a fan of it. I have been having very clear dreams these last couple of nights and I keep asking myself if perhaps they might mean anything… hmmm. Currently deep in thought. I really just want to clear my mind and start opening up my chakras because at this stage they are closed. I need to start meditating again, that really helped me. I feel as if I’m suffocating, I have so much anxiety. I have been dwelling in my dark place again, the pictures in my mind haunt me, they don’t stop, constant images flowing in, I love them. as dark and gruesome as they might be, to me it’s just beautiful. Sometimes its so many things flowing in at the same time that I just can’t process it all, makes me tired and at the same time I can say it’s very pleasing. I feel alone, very alone. lost and a bit incomplete. I’m drowning and it is taking a toll on my health. I’m not eating the way I should, and the fact that I’m at work almost 80% of the time without good nutrition is causing me pain, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel the need to connect on a deeper level. to be understood, to be spoken to, Its been a while since I have preached. or had an intellectual conversation with a complete stranger on the train… I love the look they give me once they hear what I have to say, the look of waw you are something else, or you are a very deep person with a very old soul. Those moments are so satisfying, you feel at that point like a rare species that is hard to come across, what an accomplishment to know that my mind is somewhat not the norm, the norm of what you see out there these days, so many shallow people, so many pretty bodies and faces but nothing else, have we really become this way? is that all we seem to care for? I see humans but where is the humanity? Is it okay to beat up on a mentally retarded child just so you can laugh at it with your friends and post it on social media! Is it okay to racial profile for no reason! Is it okay to sexualize me after I have asked you to stop! should I leave my vagina at home before leaving, if only. Is it okay to torture me just for fun, knowing i’m a defenseless animal that can’t defend itself! is it okay not to fit into society’s standards, is it okay that I’m gay and have to constantly watch my back! so many things, so much I want to do, it kills me that I cant heal the world like Micheal once said. Maybe I’m the one that needs healing, Maybe I just want to feel loved and understood, to start existing and living, to feel the blood run through my veins. The simple things are the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them, and that’s when I take a step back and watch, and listen, to the black woman getting on the bus with her baby girl and the Hispanic woman holding this woman’s child so she can sit and rest comfortably. to the man holding his dog on an empty downtown street, looking at her as if she is the only thing he lives for. To the girl who got up to offer a lady her seat, and then helping a defenseless old woman carry her bags up the bus steps while everyone just sat down careless as can be. To the man who saved an autistic child from drowning and died in the process. to all the 911 rescue dogs who worked around the clock to save lives and became depressed in the process. It’s time to live, and these things just give me such great joy and hope for better days to come. I miss my grandmother, I have had her on my mind for the last couple of days, I know she is here, She gives me the strength that sometimes I think I don’t have, but yet its so powerful. I love you chinita linda. Tomorrow is a new day, I want to start writing again like I use to. this is my zen, my soul, my passion, my art.
lights out world, its 6AM.
Mood - accomplished, melancholic